Subject: Lifescope TIPs & QUIPs [32] "Unfinished Business"

TIPs & QUIPs, the free occasional email of helpful hints and quotes (and
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In this issue:
     *** WiseWords
     *** This Issue's Theme
     *** Suggested Resources
     *** Thrive On! Recommended Site


*** WiseWords ***                                     [TOP]
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    "Try a thing you haven't done three times
     before deciding its worth.
     Once, to get over the fear of doing it.
     Twice, to learn better how to do it.
     And a third time to figure out whether you like it or not."
      --Virgil Thomson
      
    "I am always doing that which I can not do, 
     in order that I may learn how to do it." 
      --Pablo Picasso
      
    "Nobody knows the age of the human race, 
     but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better."
      --Anonymous

(For a collection of some of our favorite WiseWords, see our web page at
<http://www.lifescope.com/pages/WiseWords.html>.)

(LISTEN to this issue of TIPs & QUIPs!
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*** This issue's theme: Working Through Unfinished Business   [TOP]
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Dear Reader:

What is unfinished business? It's the emotional junk that hangs
us up and keeps us from getting to the experiences we really
want. Unfinished business is all the things we avoid, which are
by nature unpleasant -- or we wouldn't mind dealing with them!

Specifically, I'm referring to all that unsavory stuff that
clutters our lives when we'd rather have moved onto something
more fun & fulfilling. Fears, guilt, distasteful events, hurt
feelings -- we all have lots of emotional fragments that we'd
just as soon went quietly and quickly away.

So here I'm sharing a method of doing exactly that -- of taking
on and dispatching your unfinished emotional business. But who
wants to deal with that yucky junk anyway? Anyone who wants to
be able to deal effectively with the real issues and keep moving
through life, that's who. Sure, ignorance is bliss -- but
gravity works whether you're aware of it or not.

Likewise, your emotions work whether you're aware of them or
not. And while we truly don't have control over the emotions we
feel, we DO have some say in how we respond to them. We can
choose to draw power from our emotions, or let them control us.
I hope you give the following method a chance to uncover and
harness some of your awesomely powerful self.

                                -- Lee Lukehart

The following text is from the online book 
"Psychological Self-Help" by Clayton Tucker-Ladd 
(excerpted with permission)

    (from Chap. 15: Methods for Gaining Insight into Ourselves)

    WORKING THROUGH UNFINISHED BUSINESS: 
    Uncovering the repressed feelings that still mess up your life.
    Just as you are almost always thinking something, you are
    almost always feeling something, even though you "don't pay
    it much mind."  Furthermore, what you are now feeling is
    influenced by emotional "leftovers" from previous
    experiences. Examples: a middle-aged woman, who distrusts men
    excessively, discovers that the "garbage" from an
    irresponsible, rejecting father is still active.  A
    55-year-old man, who is tense and sensitive to criticism,
    realizes that guilt about not providing better for his ailing
    parents is very alive.  Just like behaviors, feelings come
    from somewhere.
    
    To understand emotions it is also important to realize that
    one emotion sometimes conceals another emotion.  Examples:
    mild emotions may cover up strong ones--boredom may conceal
    depression, disinterest in sex may conceal anger, withdrawal
    may hide self-depreciation.  We all realize that how we see
    others or the world often reflects how we feel about
    ourselves.  A person who feels capable is usually optimistic
    about others.  If we think we are deceptive and dishonest, we
    are unlikely to trust others.  Intense emotions often cover
    up other strong emotions; current emotions often hide old
    ones; emotions often thinly veil a strong need or want.
    
    Muriel Schiffman (1971) describes an experiential technique
    for uncovering the repressed "garbage" that is smelling up
    your "here and now."  Try this sometime when you have a
    strong unwanted emotion, perhaps sadness, anger, loneliness,
    insecurity, etc.
    
    First, alone and in a safe place, let yourself go and feel
    the emotion full strength, no matter how unreasonable,
    immoral, dangerous, or crazy it is.  (Emoting
    privately--yelling, crying, writing, fantasizing--doesn't
    hurt anyone.)
    
    Second, go looking for concealed emotions, asking, "Do I also
    feel something else?"  Remember the classic examples of
    intense emotions: crying hides anger, excessive smiles
    conceal depression, physical complaints belie anxiety, anger
    overshadows fears, feelings for one person are displaced to
    another, and so on.
    
    Third, also investigate your bodily sensations for more
    subtle additional feelings -- you can learn to recognize
    emotions by where you physically feel them.  e.g. fear in
    your throat, a relaxing when someone fails, the squirmy
    resentment when you concede against your will, the hollow
    receipt of a faked compliment, a flicker of pressure when you
    hear of a sexually immoral act, etc.  Explore these other
    feelings and see where they take you.
    
    Fourth, ask yourself, "What do these current feelings and the
    situation remind me of in the past?"  Have I been here
    before?  What was my most intense similar experience?  What
    was my earliest similar experience?  What do the current
    words, actions, looks, feelings, etc. make me think of?
    Re-live the earlier experiences over and over until the
    strong emotions are drained and you can see more clearly the
    connection--the wholeness--between the past experience and
    the current feelings.  Don't try to intellectually understand
    the previous experience, just try to get in touch with all
    the leftover emotions and memories still in your garbage bag.
    
    Schiffman suggests four good ways to uncover hidden feelings:
    (a) talk to friends about current and previous situations,
    (b) write out your feelings and read them later to see what
    memories come to mind, (c) while alone re-experience current
    and previous situations in vivid fantasy, and (d) what she
    calls "sneaking up on the hidden feelings," where you take
    any strong emotion, say from a film or a book, and ask, "What
    other feelings (besides the strong emotion described in the
    book) do I have?" and "What real-life experiences does this
    emotional scene remind me of?"  Experience these uncovered
    feelings fully, become aware of how they are still
    influencing your life.
    
    Fifth, after using this procedure several times (in a couple
    of weeks), ask yourself if there is a pattern to your
    garbage.  Examples:  Does anger usually follow my feeling
    guilty?  Do I resent submissiveness like I saw in my mother?
    Do I feel like I should rescue all men who use drugs like my
    favorite brother?  Do I usually cry instead of getting mad?
    Do I turn "cold" instead of dealing with the problem?  Do I
    frequently displace my anger?  Do I deny the same emotion
    over and over again?
    
    Once aware of your "unfinished business," you can make use of
    this information to control your unreasonable reactions.  The
    next time you over-respond emotionally, remind yourself of
    the emotional garbage you bring to the situation.  Say to
    yourself, "it's not the orders from the boss that are bugging
    me, it is my resentment of my dad's criticism" or "I'm
    responding to that woman as if she were my mother" or "just
    because I was dumped by ____ doesn't mean ____ will dump me."
    
    It would be foolish to assume that painful experiences
    repressed because they hurt a lot could be easily uncovered
    doing a playful exercise for fun.  To "work through" a
    conflict you probably need to be quite frustrated with a part
    of your life and determined to understand what is going on.
    Even then, insights may not come easy or ever.
    
    Uncovering always involves some risks (presumably not as many
    as leaving the feelings hidden).  Because our garbage is
    inevitably distasteful to us, rubbing our noses in it via new
    awareness may be, for some people, a very emotional
    experience.  Remember: increased awareness may include
    increased self-criticism.  Gaining insight is the kind of
    experience that may best be done with a therapist.  So, if
    you become upset, it certainly suggests you need to get the
    unfinished business cleared up, but with an experienced
    counselor's help in uncovering and then cognitively and
    affectively integrating the new awarenesses.  The risks are
    no greater, however, than for most other methods.
    
    Lastly, there are two problems with the notion that awareness
    is curative: (1) there is no scientific proof that knowing
    all the feelings inside you will automatically lead to
    superior adjustment and (2) if awareness does not necessarily
    improve adjustment, some people may become absorbed with just
    uncovering hidden feelings, sort of perpetual psychological
    wallowing in emotional garbage, and neglect making actual
    self-improvements.  So, the other psychological self-help
    techniques might be needed after all.


*** Suggested Resources ***                                       [TOP]
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THE SECRET OF LETTING GO by Guy Finley
Most of what we call letting go today is really just picking up
on another thought or feeling; the embracing of a new sensation
that temporarily distracts us from the internal or external
conflict. Obviously, this is no real solution. To really see
through and let go of our inner difficulties requires the
formation of an intersting new kind of inward relationship with
oneself. Letting go is an ancient idea; a wise prescription. It
places the practicing individual within the flow of life instead
of swimming against it.

Whether readers need to let go of a painful heartache, a
destructive habit, a frightening worry or a nagging discontent,
this book by Guy Finley shows them how to call up their own
hidden powers to overcome any challenge or problem. It has a
pleasing balance of questions and answers, illustrative
examples, and stimulating dialogues that allow the reader to
share in the exciting discoveries that lead up to lasting
self-liberation.

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*** Thrive On! Recommended Site ***                              [TOP]
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Psychological Self-Help <http://www.cmhc.com/psyhelp/> 
This site contains the complete text of this definitive book,
online. It provides you with a system for analyzing any
problem into its manageable parts and for planning
self-change. This chapter is about methods for changing our
thoughts, attitudes, self-concept, motivation, values, and
expectations. Very thorough, and very well written.
Definitely not digestible in one sitting, though!


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