Subject: Lifescope TIPs & QUIPs [38] "Friendshifts, part 1"

Dear Reader:

With this issue I introduce a new section, called VIEWPOINTS. It
is a short section, where guest contributors will share their				
perspectives on widely varied topics.				
				
Whether you or I agree with their positions is irrelevant -- my				
intent here is to introduce "uncommon" ideas, be provocative, and				
thereby stimulate new ways of thinking. This addition to TIPs &				
QUIPs is consistent with a core value I hold dear, namely that				
"perspective shifting" is the key to growth (and more broadly,				
essential to our beneficial evolution).				
				
I heard a phrase once that stuck with me: "If it doesn't flow,				
there's something you don't know." Or as Albert Einstein more				
astutely observed, "Problems cannot be solved at the same level				
[of understanding] which created them."				
				
So, if you grasp the importance of having "supple strength of self"				
(being flexible in attitude and able to choose your own beliefs)				
-- then I believe you will find this new feature of value. Enjoy!				

                                             -- Lee Lukehart

TIPs & QUIPs, the free occasional email of helpful hints and quotes (and
sometimes challenging suggestions) for getting the most from life.

In this issue:
     *** WiseWords
     *** This Issue's Theme
     *** Viewpoints (Guest Commentary)
     *** Thrive On! Recommended Resources & Featured Website

*** WiseWords ***                                     [TOP]
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
   "A home-made friend wears longer than one you buy in the market."
     --Austin O'Malley
    
   "The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away."
     --Wilson Mizner
     
   "Talk not of wasted affection; affection never was wasted." 
     --Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

(For a collection of some of our favorite WiseWords, see our web page at
<http://www.lifescope.com/pages/WiseWords.html>.)

*** This issue's theme: Friendshifts (part one)       [TOP]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

[The edited excerpt that follows is from "Friendshifts: The Power
of Friendship and How It Shapes Our Lives" by sociologist and
award-winning author Jan Yager, Ph.D. (Hannacroix Creek Books,
1997) This edited excerpt is reprinted for educational purposes
only with permission from the publisher. It may not be reproduced
or reprinted without permission.]

 
   "FRIENDSHIFTS is the word I have coined for the way our
   friendships change as we go from one stage in our life to
   another. Whether the need to form new friends is caused by a
   change in interests, getting married, a move to another city, a
   promotion to another level or into another profession, or even
   death, shifting to new friendships that serve current needs
   makes it possible to feel connected even if old friends are
   seen less frequently, if at all.
   
   "The variety of roles that we must play throughout our life --
   as student, worker, spouse, or parent -- changes, as does the
   place that friendship holds in our life. But we still need
   friends, ranging from casual to close or best friends, and of
   both sexes. Friendship plays a continual role, although at
   different stages it will be less or more important to our
   emotional stability, depending upon the other primary
   attachments in our life.
   
 There are several types of friendships:
 Best, Close, and Casual [and also of note, Pseudo- (ed.)].
   
   "A best friend is in the ancient tradition of what a friend
   should be and is synonymous with what I call the Great Friend
   Approach to friendship, as described in the ancient and social
   science literature. The Great Friend Approach reflected the
   exalted position a best friendship held in ancient times, when
   marriages were usually arranged or based on property and
   procreation rather than affection and choice, as they are today.
   
   "This kind of friendship conjures up the strongest fantasies
   about friendship -- someone who is there for you, no matter
   what; someone who puts you first in his or her life. This person
   is the friend before all others; it is a relationship that has
   withstood the tests of time and conflict, major changes such as
   moving, or status changes, such as marrying or having a child.
   
   "As the number of friendships in each category -- best, close,
   or casual -- increases, the value of each relationship may
   decrease, as well as its members' dependence on it. In theory,
   there can be only one best friend. In practice, men and women
   will talk about "my two best friends," or "my best friend whom
   I see all the time and my old best friend, who does not live
   near me anymore but who will always be my best friend."
   
 Close Friends
   
   "Close friends are faithful, dear, tender, reliable, and
   intimate. It is close friends, especially outside the workplace
   -- not best or casual ones -- who offer you the choice
   relationship outside of romance or family ties to fulfill your
   emotional or intellectual needs.
   
   "All the necessary elements of friendship are found in close
   friendships -- compatibility, commitment, self-disclosure,
   trust, and commonality, but without the exclusivity of best
   friendship that would make it a threat to your other primary
   loyalties. A 56-year-old married man has two close friends, but
   he considers his wife to be his best "friend." A 34-year-old
   married physician filled out my questionnaire with two
   different colored inks: blue for his closest friend, his wife,
   his "real answers"; and red for his closest male friend "if my
   wife were not to be considered."
   
 Casual Friends
   
   "A casual friend is the kind of friendship that is becoming
   synonymous with 'friend' for today's busy women or men and for
   those who feel they have too much to lose by "telling all" in a
   best or close friendship.
   
   "Distinctively a cut above an acquaintance in terms of intimacy
   and trust -- "an acquaintance is a pleasure to see briefly, but
   the relationship isn't significant," as a 56-year-old married
   man notes. Casual friends take less time to develop or maintain
   than close or best friendships. In the post-adolescent years,
   especially if you have strong romantic or family ties, or work
   commitments, casual friendship may be all you can handle.
   As relationships become more intimate, the information shared
   becomes more personal. That is why, even in the best romantic
   relationships, interacting with friends, especially casual
   ones, may benefit a couple.
   
   "Casual friendships, because less intimate information is
   shared, work well in a group or network situation. (Group
   friendship patterns are discussed more completely in Chapter 5,
   "Friendship Patterns." As Edda, a 24-year-old copywriter from
   Texas who has a network of more than 14 men and women casual
   friends, comments: "There are some 40 people we all know in New
   York that we can gossip about pretty good."
   
 Pseudo-Friends: Fair Weather and Foul Weather
   
   "Fair weather and foul weather pseudo-friendships are noted here
   even though they are not really friendships, to help you
   recognize those relationships for what they really are. Genuine
   friendships have to be shared or reciprocal, but fair weather
   and foul weather relationships are one-sided.
   
   "Fair weather pseudo-friends require that you are always "Up."
   Limits are set by one friend, not both. You cannot call, or
   call on, fair weather pseudo-friends when you are in need,
   although they may feel completely comfortable dumping their
   current messes on you. Sometimes you first notice this tendency
   in phone conversations. You listen patiently, perhaps for as
   long as a half hour to an hour, to their tales of woe, but the
   minute you start to talk about what is bothering you, your
   "friend" is suddenly out of time and "has to go."
   
   "Foul weather pseudo-friends are those who might be there for
   you at four in the morning, if you are desperate or despondent,
   but they do not want to listen and rejoice with you when your
   life is going well. Foul weather pseudo-friends need to feel
   like a "savior," who is rescuing you. Also, your misery makes
   them feel better about their own lives; if you are no longer
   miserable, they feel more threatened, and their jealousy of
   your fair weather gets in the way of having a positive friendship."
   
Next Issue:
The Steps from Aquaintance to Friend
The Friendship Compatibility Quiz

*** Thrive On! Suggested Resources ***                          [TOP]
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Friendshifts: The Power of Friendships and How It Shapes Our Lives" 
 by Jan Yager, PhD.
 
A rewarding, sensible self-help manual for making, keeping and
improving friendships. Sociologist Yager's how-to takes its title
from a word she coined, which refers to the way friendships change
as we move through life's stages.

This is a comprehensive exploration of one of the most vital but
least understood relationships that enhances our lives, friendship.
Based on original research beginning with the author's sociology
dissertation, Friendshifts (covers everything from childhood and
friendship to how friendships begin, are maintained, or end; work
and friendship; pets as friends; friendship principles that might
help how you get along with family members, and more.

  (hardcover book, 272pp) Item# B1265-BH
      SRP$22.95 -- Your Price $18.36, You Save 20%!

 Buy this item online now here at Lifescope.com or Amazon.com.
 
     Unlike life, your Lifescope purchase is RISK-FREE:
     Visit our secure online store with your VISA/MC/Discover/AMEX.
     Your satisfaction is absolutely guaranteed or your money back!

*** Thrive On! Recommended Site ***                              [TOP]
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
LIFESCOPE for a change! Haven't dropped by in awhile? 
Take a moment and click over to <http://www.lifescope.com/>.
We've some changes, and even more radical ones are coming!

DISCLAIMER
The contents herein are solely the opinions of Lifescope editors, and should 
not be considered as a form of therapy nor advice. There is no guarantee of 
validity or accuracy. Lifescope therefore assumes no responsibility for injury
and specifically disclaims any warranty, express or implied, of fitness or 
merchantability for a particular purpose. Besides, actual mileage may vary.

Copyright © 1999-2007 by Lifescope Inc. 
Permission is granted to reproduce or distribute this newsletter 
only in its entirety and provided copyright is acknowledged.

To subscribe or unsubscribe TIPs & QUIPs, please go to our Subscriptions Page
at <http://www.lifescope.com/pages/Subscriptions.html>

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
  Lifescope Inc. -- Bright Ideas for Better Living
           <http://www.lifescope.com/>
"YOUR IDEAL LIFE?  Discover It, Design It, and Do It!"